Remember when getting testimonials on Friendster was the biggest deal? Or customizing your Top 8 on Myspace? How about stalking that chica who always got under your skin on Facebook? Every few years or so, another social media trend absorbs all of our attention and we, the people, become obsessed! Well, somehow I wound up back on my tumblr (thank God for automatic log ins) and I had a chance to reminisce over life events after PUC. I didn’t even realize how often I kept up with my blogging (well, more like venting, reminiscing, predicting…don’t know if that counts as “blogging”).
Anyway, we’re over halfway through 2013 and I am long overdue for an update. My posts are more for the Future Taylor that will have already forgotten what today, this exact moment in time, felt like because she is too consumed with her new life (or new social media trend, whichever).
Considering it’s been over 11 months since my last post, I have a good feeling this update will be a doozy.
sucked was hard. I remember realizing that some of the worst events in my life all took place within the first five months of the year. My childhood dog, Bailey, had to be euthanized due to a cancerous tumor on his spine that caused him to be paralyzed and caused him tremendous pain. The transition from student to professional left me confused and feeling more isolated than ever, so I traded in my three year relationship (with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with) to embark on that ever so cliche journey to find myself. My family lost our home; the home I had lived in since moving to Loma Linda was seized by the bank like thousands of other homes across the nation. A friend battling leukemia for over eight years took his last breath in the living room of his own, surrounded by his loved ones. Yeah, those events were all hard.
But that’s the thing about time – it continues to pass whether you’re prepared or not. It doesn’t care if you’re desperately holding onto it. All it knows is how to pass. One of the biggest challenges I was facing (and didn’t even realize it at the time) was how to let things pass. I have this innate predisposition to fix and organize and manipulate every aspect of my life. None of these events were in my control. (Well, breaking up with Steven was – but at that time, I truly felt like it wasn’t.) With every disappointment, I grew more and more frustrated. And then I got to the point that I was so frustrated, so exhausted, so overwhelmed with trying to put the pieces back together, I finally accepted my defeat and realized there was nothing I could do.
Being in that situation really tests you. That state of vulnerability is a very fine line. You either assume that “nowhere to go but up” mentality or you can throw your middle finger in the air and give up. Now, the latter is the more appealing option; you get to be selfish, you get to act with reckless abandon. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks because you just #dgaf. I think for a while, I wanted that option. It was a complete 180 for me and if I could just let myself fall apart, I’d be able to feel something I had never felt before. But something didn’t let me. Actually, God didn’t let me. I believe He held me closer to Him than He ever had before. Whether I realized it or not (I didn’t), there was no way He was going to let me go.
Did I continue to make selfish decisions? Yes. Looking back on it, do I still think they were selfish? Not at all. Every decision I made from that point, whether it was my health, my career, my relationships or my financial decisions, needed to happen. I needed to experience a life where I was so far out of my element that the only option I had left was trial and error. As a person who survives off of efficiency, motivation and success, trial and error is a slap in the face. But walking on that aforementioned fine line requires you to become balanced. Doing things “my way” hadn’t been working out too well and I wasn’t about to jump ship and abandon everything I had known to be right. I just needed a chance to do things differently.
Since this post is for Future Taylor, I don’t need to elaborate the details of the decisions I made last year. And although each and every experience of 2012 has brought me to a place I never thought I’d be at the ripe age of 23, I will say that I’m sorry for those I hurt in the process. I try to live my life with no regrets, but hurting people who you truly care about (and who care about you ten times more) is never acceptable. I keep focusing on the bigger picture and the “greater good” of it all, but when I remember the immense amount of pain I caused upon someone, it becomes impossible to justify. The only solace I find is knowing that the same God that held me closer, is the same God that will hold him close (and closer than ever).
So what’s the big deal about 2013 that is deserving of a new post? I will tell you:
- I finally found a financial plan that restores my life to me; now the 13 of the 15 years I was supposed to be burdened paying off school and car loans will now allow me to buy a home and travel travel travel!
- I secured a promotion that finally allows me to put all that creative juice I’ve had festering in the back of my brain to use! I am so incredibly eager to see what I’m capable of and having total control of my job is not only liberating, but challenging and I needed that. Desperately.
- I realized I didn’t lose myself because of Steven, I lost myself because I gave up on myself. That year apart tested our limits, our strength, our patience and our commitment – not just to each other, but to ourselves. While we lost a year in our relationship, we gained a lifetime in our future. (*Sidenote: we couldn’t determine what our “new” anniversary would be – or if we even wanted one – and then we realized this isn’t a high school relationship where the future is unknown. We both know what we want and that gives us motivation to look forward to an even better anniversary!).
Cheers to health, wealth and happiness!
Current Taylor – the only time I will be in this exact moment ever again so I’m savoring every moment.